Information About Bereavement
What are the Common Myths about Grieving?
Death is not a topic we discuss openly in our culture. When someone we know has lost someone close to him or her, it can often be difficult to know exactly what to say and do or perhaps what not to say and do. Below are some general hints to aid in supporting the bereaved in a meaningful and compassionate way.
- Myth: Grief is a 'one-dimensional' experience.
Fact: Grieving not only results in tearfulness or sadness, but it can also impact a person's behavior (especially sleeping and eating), cognitive skills (forgetfulness or lack of concentration), emotions (numbness, anger), and spiritual reactions (questioning how God could 'let' this happen).
- Myth: Time heals all wounds.
Fact: Time does not heal all wounds. For example, if your car has a flat tire, the amount of time you spend sitting next to your car will not repair the tire. It is what you do with the time that makes the difference. Many people feel that if they just get through the first year, their grief will lessen. This is not necessarily the case. Learning to live without a loved one is a lifelong endeavor.
- Myth: Tears a sign that one is not coping well.
Fact: Tears are simply one of many ways to express emotions. Tears are a means of reducing stress, releasing tension, and expressing pain. In fact, the healthiest form of tears is in an intense weeping, rather than the more controlled and stifled sobs.
- Myth: Since you did not personall know the deceased, you should not be upset by the death.
Fact: It is very common for circumstances of any death to trigger memories of a painful experience in your own life. In addition, some issues about the death may touch upon some of your deepest fears. Following any tragedy, it is not uncommon to feel the need to connect with those you love - just to reassure yourself that they are safe.
What are the Dos and Don'ts When a Friend is Grieving?
DO...
- Open your heart. Your intention is more important than your words. It is okay if there are tears. there are tears because there is pain. Avoiding words will not erase the pain.
- "Say you're 'sorry'... then shut up." This is the response from Rabbi Harold Kushner (author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People) when asked what one should say as a condolence.
- Reassure the bereaved. This helps people come to the realization that although feelings of guilt are natural, he or she did the best that could be done.
- Continue to conduct 'business as usual.'
- Encourage a renewal of past activities and hobbies. Remind the bereaved of things they enjoyed in the past.
- Encourage new beginnings, new activities, and new interests.
- Help with random acts of kindness.
- Remember the grieving person on the anniversary date of the death.
DO NOT...
- Say, "I know how you feel." You don't.
- Feel you need to offer advice, unless asked.
- Talk more than listen.
- Attempt to minimize the loss by the use of 'compensation comments' such as, "At least you had a good relationship," "It was God's will," or "What a blessing he/she is no longer suffering."
- Tell a bereaved person, "Be strong. Don't take it so hard." This sounds as though the loss is insignificant and deprives the person of the natural emotions of grief.
- Use diversionary tactics. Do not veer away from the subject of death or talk about anything but the reason for you call or visit. This attempt to camouflage death ignores the task of the mourner which is facing the fact of death and going on from there.
What are the Ways to Help a Friend Who is Grieving?
At the Time of Death...
- Notify relatives and friends.
- Locate lodging for out-of-town relatives coming to the funeral.
- House sit during the memorial service.
- Organize people to bring prepared meals to the home.
In the Months Following the Death...
- Assist in writing thank-you cards.
- Help sort through the deceased's belongings.
- Offer to accompany the bereaved to the cemetary.
- Keep communication open, whether or not the person seems responsive.
- Suggest attending a bereavement or support group.
What are the Common Myths About Children and Grief?
Children and adolescents are not yet adults and, although this may seem like an obvious statement, we may sometimes forget. It is important to recognize that children do not grieve in the same way adults do, but it is equally important to recognize that children do indeed grieve. If you know a child or adolescent who has recently experienced a loss, you may want to take a look at the following myths and suggestions. They may help you better relate to him or her and perhaps help yourself at the same time.
- Myth: Children do not grieve or grieve only when they reach a certain age.
Fact: Children grieve at all ages. The way grief is manifested will vary depending on the child's age, development, and experiences.
- Myth: The death of a loved one is the only major loss that children and adolescents experience.
Fact: Children and adolescents experience a range of losses. The loss of a pet, separation by divorce or relocation, loss of friends or relationships, as well as loss due to illness or death can generate grief reactions.
- Myth: It is better to shield children from loss. They are too yougn to experience tragedy.
Fact: Although we'd like to protect children from loss, it is impossible. Exclusion can increase fears and breed feelings of resentment and helplessness. We can support, teach, and model our own ways of adapting to loss and include, rather than exclude, children and adolescents.
- Myth: Children should not go to funerals or children should always attend funerals.
Fact: Children and adolescents should have the choice as to how they wish to participate in funeral rituals. They will need information, options, and support.
- Myth: Children recover from loss quickly.
Fact: No one gets over significant loss. Children, like adults, will learn to live with the loss and may revisit that loss at different points in their development.
- Myth: Children are permanently scarred by early, significant loss.
Fact: Most people, including children, are resilient. While loss can affect development, solid support and strong continuity of care can assist children as they learn to live with loss.
- Myth: Talking with children and adolescents is the most effective approach in dealing with loss.
Fact: While there is much value in communicating verbally with children and adolescents, there are other approaches that allow the child or adolescent creative ways of expression. Play, art, dance, music, activity, and rituals are examples of creative modes of expression that they may use to express grief and adapt to loss.
- Myth: Helping children and adolescents deal with loss is the responsibility of the family.
Fact: Families do have a critical responsibility. It is a responsibility shared with other individuals and organizations such as hospices, schools, faith communities, as well as the community at large. In times of significant loss, it is important to remember that the ability of family members to support one another can be limited.
Do You Have Any Suggestions for Helping Grieving Children?
- Repeatedly reassure children that their physical needs (food, shelter, rest) and emotional needs (love) will be met.
- Do not use the word "sleep" when discussing the death with the child.
- Allow the child to have pictures of deceased loved ones.
- Maintain the child's daily routine, including tasks and schedules. Refrain from making unnecessary changes in the child's life.
- Realize that children who experience loss through death often fear for the lives of other family members and/or their own lives.
- Tell the child repeatedly that the death is not his or her fault. For example, "Mommy and Daddy died in a bad accident- it was not anyone's fault."
- Let children know that they can still write letters and draw pictures of their deceased loved ones.
- Allow children to talk and cry if they want.
- Explain the circumstances of death to the child.